Tasha Coryell, author of hit debut, Love Letters to a Serial Killer, shares her top ten least eligible serial killers, in her much loved satire style.
Dating can be a risky venture for women. You might take precautions like texting your friends before you have a date and letting them know when you’ve arrived back at home. Maybe you’ve become an expert at Google stalking your friends’ new boyfriends, especially the ones with shifty eyes. Or perhaps you’ve given up on dating completely to stay at home on the couch with the newest podcast or documentary. Don’t forget to lock the door! If you’ve learned anything from all that true crime, it’s that nowhere is completely safe.
Despite all the care that you take, we all have that one friend who falls in love with guys that she knows she shouldn’t. She tries to tell you that he’s not that bad—It’s not like he’s a serial killer or something. Okay, so maybe he has been accused of killing a few people. And maybe they can only correspond through letters because he’s behind bars awaiting his trial. That shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, right? It’s tough to find love these days. And after all, she’s not the first person to fall in love with a murderer.
Don’t let your friend fool you. As any true crime lover knows, sometimes it’s better to stay single than to fall in love with an accused serial killer, especially the ones on this list. Ranked from bad to worse, these murderers would make the worst boyfriends.
1. Son of Sam
Like your friend’s weird ex-boyfriend, he tries to blame all his failings on demon possession. He’s such a grifter that they actually passed laws named after him that prevent criminals from profiting off their crimes. After his claims of demon possession fell flat, he tried to say he was a member of a Satanic cult. Remember that you want a man that takes responsibility for his own actions and most importantly, a man whose murder count is zero.
Victim Count: 6
Evaluation: Some question whether he actually killed everyone he claimed. Either way, it’s a PASS.
2. Ed Gein
The positive is that you’ll never catch Ed Gein in cargo shorts. The negative is that he prefers to adorn himself in human body parts, which is a new level of cringe. You can find him lurking around the cemetery with a shovel. Not a meet-cute!
Victim Count: 2 confirmed, 7 more suspected
Evaluation: He’s more prolific at grave robbing than murder, but no one wants to spend their first date in a cemetery.
3. The Night Stalker
Make sure that you lock your doors because being at home is no protection from Richard Ramirez. Though he also killed in other ways, he’s most famous for breaking into his victims’ houses and making sure that you can’t even feel safe in your own bed.
Victim Count: At least 13
Evaluation: It’s important to find a man who respects your private space, and this is not it. Swipe right immediately.
4. Edmund Kemper
He’s infinitely quotable (derogatory). He’s the guy that’s mad that no women want to date him and shows that having a high IQ isn’t always a good thing. He’ll never bring you home to mom because he killed her. You can’t fix him!
Victim Count: 8
Evaluation: He gets bonus points for being tall, but no amount of height can cancel out matricide. NEXT.
5. Jeffrey Dahmer
Everyone loves a man that can cook, but you don’t want to eat the meals that he puts in front of you. Just thinking about his favorite dish gives you the ick. You’re better off sticking with a night of takeout and Netflix than swiping right on Dahmer.
Victim Count: 17
Evaluation: Food’s expensive these days, but your life is priceless.
6. John Wayne Gacy
If you think your ex is a clown, wait until you see this guy. It sucks when a man claims to have a good sense of humor and is actually a killer. Oh, and if he offers to do magic, run away as fast as you can. The final trick is the last thing you’ll ever see.
Victim Count: At least 33
Evaluation: Magicians are suspect even when they’re not killers. Move along.
7. The Zodiac Killer
You won’t find an accurate picture of this man because one doesn’t exist. He’s mysterious, which means that everyone is obsessed with getting to know the real him and never will because no one knows his identity. He loves to write notes, but not the kind that you want to receive in your mailbox.
Victim Count: 5 confirmed, 37 claimed
Evaluation: Dating someone whose face we’ve never seen is so 2010. If he won’t send you a picture, he’s not it.
8. Ted Bundy
For some reason, people like to suggest that Bundy is hot. It turns out that we have pictures and he looks nothing like Zac Efron. His type is women with long, brown hair, but you don’t want him to pick you. Bundy is proof that just because someone went to law school that doesn’t mean that they’re smart—sometimes they’re just a serial killer.
Victim Count: 20 confirmed, 36 suspected
Evaluation: He impregnated a woman while on trial. You deserve someone that can at least bring you back to his apartment.
9. Green River Killer
He’s thought to be the second most prolific serial killer in the United States and like your best friend’s newest Tinder match, we don’t even call him by his name (it’s Gary). On top of being unfaithful in both of his marriages, it’s estimated that he killed close to eighty women. Don’t be jealous that he got married twice while you’re still single. Sometimes it’s better to be alone.
Victim Count: 49 convicted, 70-90 suspected
Evaluation: You know what they say, ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ or I guess in this case, it’s ‘once a murderer, always a murderer.’ When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
10. Sam Little
He has the largest number of confirmed murders of any serial killer in the United States, which is not something to brag about. Little takes the phrase ‘body count’ to a whole new level. Even though he’s confessed to 93 murders, he’s only been convicted of eight. So like a man to avoid accountability!
Victim Count: 60 confirmed, 93 claimed
Evaluation: Little gets overlooked because many of his victims were sex workers or unhoused. You deserve a man that respects ALL women. Definitely avoid this guy.
